18 months & slideshow link

Well, we have made it through 4 months without Caleb. Not one day is easy or proves to get any easier, but we get through them. Today...well, it is one of those days that is hard to get through. Today, 2/2/12, Caleb would have been 18 months old. What a fun age. It has always been one of my favorite times in a child's life as SO much is going on with them at this age...needless to say, I can only imagine what Caleb would be up to these days. Would he be crawling? pulling up on things? starting to 'talk'? How many teeth would he have by now? We would be pouring bottles of Milk vs. formula. We would be doing more table foods vs. baby food...the list goes on and on...


We have been trying to stay busy. The weekends tend to be our hardest time as it is very quiet, slow and lonely. We have been trying to stay busy by working on a couple painting projects and have even been known to make an impromptu trip to a ski place where John and Ryan learned some real snowboarding. Sara just loved finally getting to play in some snow at the end of the ski slope. You really never know what we are going to do or where we are going to appear...beware! :)


Emotions run very high in our house. R&S can go from playing to fighting in no time, we can all go from peaceful to emotional in a flash. You just never know what you are going to get. I can be completely content one moment and the next be hearing a song that just completely reminds me of Caleb and I am a wreck. The songs that tried to keep me upbeat and positive during and after Caleb's surgeries/recoveries, now just remind me of how much I miss him! My life truly went from being a whirlwind of Caleb's Dr. visits, physical therapy, medicine schedule, feedings, to wandering around stores just to kill time, esp. on the days Sara is in preschool.


I have always said Caleb impacted our lives in more ways then we could ever write...but I have truly seen a difference in his older siblings since he has been gone! They both adored their little brother, as most would. But they both certainly knew there was something extra special about this little brother. They have not been the same since. I guess none of us have...never will be. We just try to get through each day the best we can while being sensitive to each others moments. We try to figure out what 'normal' is suppose to be now with the huge hole in our home as well as our souls.

I will never understand why Caleb (& his family!) made it through two open heart surgeries with flying colors, but a blood infection was brewing after the second surgery that we could not see at all. I think back to that time and wonder what signs I missed that there was something going on. I guess every parent who has a child that has struggled with an illness, esp. an illness that claimed their life, goes through these waves of emotion. Just a very wild, tough ride! Grief like this can be a very lonely place. There are so few who have been through and have any idea what it is truly like...we just try our best to not make people feel awkward. It is OK to talk to us, it is OK to talk about Caleb, ask questions, get weepy, give a hug! We would prefer that over people avoiding us because you don't know what to say or do. We continually thank you for your support and covet your prayers.


Slide show remembrance of our precious boy, produced by Unforgettable Productions, LLC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE7a_VyGipA

J, J, R & S