If we had to choose just one thing Caleb taught us...

He taught us that we CAN handle a special needs child, something we never imagined we would ever be able to do.  There is really no way to describe all that Caleb taught us and still continues to teach us each day.  Caleb taught us more then we could ever put into words.  We certainly learned to live each day to the fullest, no matter what circumstances we were under.  We struggle with the feeling that Caleb is in a better place…but on his 2^nd birthday, we REALLY wish he was here with us.

Since Caleb’s passing…we have learned that we have to keep busy.  We have to stay busy focusing on the future.  John and I certainly cannot watch dramatic or any type of “depressing” movie!  Even the smallest stories on the news about children catches our attention!  Our heart aches even more for those we know who are caring for a child with medical issues or have lost a child themselves because of a heart condition.  We are still learning how to grieve something like this.  We are still learning how to even handle something like this that comes along in life.  Losing a child is like losing a limb – you have to relearn how to live without that limb.  We have truly learned that only God is in control…

Two years ago…we were getting ready to start another adoption process from Korea.  Our process with Sara went so smoothly, how could we not work with that country again?  Just about the time we were going to start the application, we learned that we were expecting our own child.  As shocking as that was, it was not as shocking as all the news that came right after…the Down Syndrome, the two heart conditions, the 90 miles a week I had to drive to get to the “high risk pregnancy” doctors that were located in Fairfax Hospital.  We tried to handle this all as best we could.  The moment Caleb was born, we were instantly in love and knew we could handle all that came our way with just one glance into his amazing eyes.  

WELL...Fast forward two years, to 2012, 6 months after Caleb’s passing…we have started the adoption process once again.  We have been working at this since early Spring.  There is a little guy in Taiwan that needs a home.  Yes, he sure does have Down Syndrome!  There was NO way we could take what we learned from Caleb and not put it to good use.  We could not let a child, that might not easily be adopted, be sent to live in an institution because they become “too old” to be adopted by some countries standards.  Call us “crazy”, a “glutton for punishment”, whatever you would like.  This is something we have all thought about, prayed about, dug deep to be able to do!  We know many will wonder how in the world we can replace Caleb…well, there is NO WAY to replace Caleb!!  We are doing this BECAUSE of Caleb! :)  This does not erase any of the grief or emptiness we feel each day.  There is truly no way to simply get rid of or cover up those feelings.  We just need this little guy as much as he needs us!  He needs to live in the U.S. where he will have so many more opportunities to receive specialized care regarding his DS.  Again, we just could not take all that we learned from Caleb, especially the simple fact that we can do it - we can care for a special needs child!  This little guy, half way around the world, is currently being cared for by his birth family.  They have made the ultimate sacrifice in deciding that they cannot care for him in a country like Taiwan and that he needs a home where he can receive therapy, specialized doctor care, etc.  If anyone knows how these parents are feeling or how they will feel when they have to finally give their son up to go live in another country...that would certainly be us!  We are blessed beyond measure that these birth parents chose us to care for their son.  We have adopted before and we have cared for a Down Syndrome child before, so we hope these two facts bring his birth parents just a little bit of comfort as we wait out the rest of this process.  

We have finished our Home Study, we are halfway through our Immigration application, our papers just finished being translated into Chinese which has to be done for these papers to be sent to Taiwan to start their court process.  Unfortunately, Taiwan’s court process can be lengthy, a good 6+ months!    All that are involved in our U.S. agency, as well as the Taiwan agency overseeing his care, are in agreement to appeal to the family court to expedite this process as best they can, for this little guys sake.  We covet your prayers that this last piece of the process will go quickly, so we can get him home as soon as possible.  Unfortunately, with us being right in the middle of this process with a particular little one, we do not feel we can post pictures or mention his name yet.  Please feel free to ask us about him when you see us in person!  We would be happy to share our latest photos of him with you.  

 

Most of all…Caleb Andrew – Happy 2^nd Birthday, precious boy!  Mommy, Daddy, big brother & big sister miss you more than anyone will ever be able to describe.  10 hours, 10 days, 10 months, nothing has changed – we love you to the moon and back!  Thank you for each of the 414 days you hung in there with us and ALL that you taught us – esp. the simple fact that “we can do it”!!  A very bitter sweet day to say the least...

18 months & slideshow link

Well, we have made it through 4 months without Caleb. Not one day is easy or proves to get any easier, but we get through them. Today...well, it is one of those days that is hard to get through. Today, 2/2/12, Caleb would have been 18 months old. What a fun age. It has always been one of my favorite times in a child's life as SO much is going on with them at this age...needless to say, I can only imagine what Caleb would be up to these days. Would he be crawling? pulling up on things? starting to 'talk'? How many teeth would he have by now? We would be pouring bottles of Milk vs. formula. We would be doing more table foods vs. baby food...the list goes on and on...


We have been trying to stay busy. The weekends tend to be our hardest time as it is very quiet, slow and lonely. We have been trying to stay busy by working on a couple painting projects and have even been known to make an impromptu trip to a ski place where John and Ryan learned some real snowboarding. Sara just loved finally getting to play in some snow at the end of the ski slope. You really never know what we are going to do or where we are going to appear...beware! :)


Emotions run very high in our house. R&S can go from playing to fighting in no time, we can all go from peaceful to emotional in a flash. You just never know what you are going to get. I can be completely content one moment and the next be hearing a song that just completely reminds me of Caleb and I am a wreck. The songs that tried to keep me upbeat and positive during and after Caleb's surgeries/recoveries, now just remind me of how much I miss him! My life truly went from being a whirlwind of Caleb's Dr. visits, physical therapy, medicine schedule, feedings, to wandering around stores just to kill time, esp. on the days Sara is in preschool.


I have always said Caleb impacted our lives in more ways then we could ever write...but I have truly seen a difference in his older siblings since he has been gone! They both adored their little brother, as most would. But they both certainly knew there was something extra special about this little brother. They have not been the same since. I guess none of us have...never will be. We just try to get through each day the best we can while being sensitive to each others moments. We try to figure out what 'normal' is suppose to be now with the huge hole in our home as well as our souls.

I will never understand why Caleb (& his family!) made it through two open heart surgeries with flying colors, but a blood infection was brewing after the second surgery that we could not see at all. I think back to that time and wonder what signs I missed that there was something going on. I guess every parent who has a child that has struggled with an illness, esp. an illness that claimed their life, goes through these waves of emotion. Just a very wild, tough ride! Grief like this can be a very lonely place. There are so few who have been through and have any idea what it is truly like...we just try our best to not make people feel awkward. It is OK to talk to us, it is OK to talk about Caleb, ask questions, get weepy, give a hug! We would prefer that over people avoiding us because you don't know what to say or do. We continually thank you for your support and covet your prayers.


Slide show remembrance of our precious boy, produced by Unforgettable Productions, LLC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE7a_VyGipA

J, J, R & S

Caleb's first and only Thanksgiving (2010)

It is truly hard to believe that it has been two months since Caleb left our family...some of the words below I had to copy from a fellow parent who is grieving the loss of their child who has left for 'home' well before we would have liked.

Everywhere.....
Home.
Church.
Target.
At the mailbox.
Driving down the road.
The grocery store.
A friend's house.
Everywhere I go I think of him.

I miss him so much, there are truly no words to describe how much.
I miss our life before he left for Home.
I miss our family as it used to be.

Thinking of him brings joy.
Thinking of him brings sorrow.
Such opposite emotions mingled together ~
inseparable in the thought.

I want to endure.
I want to have character.
I want to have genuine hope.

I want Ryan & Sara to be better, stronger people because of this.
Therefore, I must suffer.
There is purpose in this process.

I could choose to shut my mind off and not think of him, but what a gift his life was (and still is). Not thinking of Caleb would be not thanking Him for such a precious gift.

We are grieving,

but we are trying to figure out how to live life at the same time!

It appears life is as normal.
We go out in public and on the surface we look "normal".
Everyday is hard. Sometimes it's hard to even breathe or pick myself up out of bed.
My tears are always right below the surface, ready to spill out at any moment.

The reality is even though on the outside everything looks OK,
on the inside we are brokenhearted and hurting.
Reminds me to be tender with others...
because you never know what they're going through.

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours! What a different holiday we are going to have this year. We hope you have a truly blessed time with your family. Be sure to make lots of extra special memories!!!

There are truly NO words that describe how much I miss your precious face and everything that made you our perfect Caleb Andrew!

What we love (& miss) about you...

C - character. Caleb you had an amazing personality! You never cried about much of anything. You fussed if you were hungry or tired and that was about it. You loved it when someone was holding you or sitting next to you...esp. your brother or sister.

A - agility. You were more flexible then any little guy we had ever met. Your feet were always up by your head and you LOVED them there. I think you hated sitting up so much because you could not have your feet/legs up where you liked them the best.

L - laugh. You had the most infectious laugh. No matter how hard or busy one of our days was together...your laugh and smile wiped it all away.

E - EYES! Your eyes were the most beautiful blue. They were more beautiful then the most perfect sapphire gem! We received so many compliments regarding your eyes.

B - bounce. You LOVED bouncing away in your bouncy seat. You are the only one of our three that could bounce that seat by yourself or cared to anyway. You would bounce and bounce and bounce yourself until we were motion sick.
*****
A - attention. You got attention everywhere we went. Those that were even complete strangers would stop and talk to you and ask all about you. You were certainly stealing your older sisters thunder. ;) You made so many smile without even knowing you personally.

N - nestle. You could cuddle with the best of them and boy did we love to hold you and cuddle you when you were sleeping...well, anytime for that matter! You loved to have our faces right up next to yours...cheek to cheek.

D - DS! After the initial shock wore off that you had Down Syndrome, we felt truly blessed and honored that we were called to be parents to such a special and amazing child!

R - rolling...rolling...rolling. Once you mastered rolling over, you certainly never stopped when you were on the floor. Up there with rolling...Raspberries! You loved to blow raspberries at us any time, esp. when you were eating or suppose to be swallowing medicine!

E - endurance! You overcame SO many odds and obstacles to even be born, let alone your 414 days here with us. You endured two open heart surgeries with flying colors! Will always wonder where that nasty infection came from that took you from us. Even your favorite cardiologist said it is unusual for it to come on so late after heart surgery. You fought it for 12 days none the less!

W - wonderful...you were certainly beautifully and wonderfully made! This momma cannot wait to hold you again...

Video shown at Caleb's service...

A celebration of Caleb's 414 days on this earth. We are so blessed to have been his parents. We don't know why he had to leave us so quick, but we know that God is in control. He is God and we are not and we trust that he knows what he is doing. Many thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman for writing such a beautiful song...

Link to Caleb's video that his daddy put together for the service...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWn7Ri8mDiM

This is the video that played during the service, this is not the video OF Caleb's service. We do not have that yet.

Caleb Andrew...we miss you more then words could possibly express! Thank you to each and every one of you who have walked this journey by our side. Thank you for the prayers, meals, support and most of all love as we try to figure out how to move forward without our precious boy. We all loved him dearly and he blessed our lives in so many ways in just the 13 months he was with us. He was such a healthy, happy boy and we will never understand why a nasty infection had to take him from us so quickly. We will continue to use this blog...just may take me a little while to figure out what to say...